This blog post is for you if:
- You are new to BDSM.
- You don’t know what is expected from you as a submissive.
- You want to check your evolution into the BDSM play and other non conventional practices.
- You want to be a good sub and/or learn more about it.
- You like thinking about your sexual tendencies.
This blog post it is based on my own experience, on what I have learned, lived and seen from other people into BDSM, both professionals and amateurs. While you are reading it, keep in mind that there are so many ways to understand BDSM as people who practise it and that I have tried to keep as short as possible all the information I think you may need to know to get into the world of BDSM.
If you would really like to revise all you know about BDSM and/or read a complete practical guide about submission, I would advise you to read The New Bottoming Book. If you would like to read it in Spanish, translated by Miguel Vagalume, you can read it at golfxs.wordpress.com.
And now, let’s get on with it.
Nowadays, it is not easy to find places where to talk freely about sex, especially non conventional sex, with likeminded people. That is why you might be one of those people who still feel insecure or uncomfortable about their own sexual desires and fantasies.
If that is your case, keep in mind that there have been millions of people in History and nowadays that have practised BDSM play for their pleasure, fun and/or personal growth. As long as those practices are safe, sane and consensual, they can be a great opportunity to enjoy sex to the fullest.
If it is difficult for you to accept that you are into BDSM, if you feel guilty about it or if you might need counseling about personal questions, I would strongly recommend you setting up an appointment with some trusted professionals that can help you in Madrid and Barcelona. They speak English and you can ask them for a Skype appointment if you are not in Spain:
♦Ignasi Puig Rodas, psychology and sexology
♦Nique, BDSM coaching
♦Miguel Vagalume, sexology and sex therapy
FINDING PEOPLE TO PLAY WITH
This is an important –and sometimes complicated– part of your sexual growth. Keep in mind that, as a submissive, you will put yourself in someone else’s hands for practices that are somehow risky and/or that may arise deep emotions, so, don’t play with whoever you feel you can’t trust fully.
There are different ways to find people to play with. You will choose one or the other depending on your circumstances. All of them have pros and cons.
Drawing: Unknown artist.
These are the two more common options when looking for someone to play with:
CONTACTING A PROFESSIONAL
- BDSM professionals have the knowledge and expertise of some practices. Some of us have a space already set up for BDSM play and/or know the best places for rent in the city where we are working.
- BDSM is part of our everyday life so, whatever you tell us, we will not be surprised. Be clear about what you expect (something we recommend when you play with amateurs too), that will make it easier for us to understand as much as possible what you would like to experience.
- You don’t have to set up and buy all the stuff you need for a BDSM session (unless you want to have your own stuff or your Mistress demands something in special to play with you).
- Finding someone will take you less time: You don’t have to spend hours chatting online or prowling around at BDSM clubs.
- There are not (symbolic) bonds. If you don’t want to have any kind of compromise with the Dominatrix you played with, there will be none. After your session, you forget about her (if you can) and you go on with your life.
- You are expected to hand over a tribute and, maybe, that will not allow you to set sessions as often as you would like.
- It may be take you longer to reach a mutual understanding with the Mistress, especially in your first sessions.
- You cannot contact her whenever you feel like it or need it. Within what is reasonable, she will ensure that you feel good after the session. Nevertheless, unless you specify any kind of special agreement, her availability will be more limited than in other kinds of relationships.
Some things that may be seen as pros or cons:
- Sessions last for a limited period of time and usually are structured around a script you both agreed beforehand, although there is always room for improvisation.
- Very probably, there is a part about a Mistress personal life that you will never get to know.
LOOKING FOR PLAY PARTNERS IN FORUMS AND SOCIAL MEDIA
Internet is full of sites where to find lots of people into BDSM. In my case, I have only used Fetlife https://fetlife.com/ so that is the only one I can recommend based on my own experience.
You can create your own profile, where you tell what you are into. You can search by nicknames, events, groups, fetishes, etc.
It is useful when you travel and would like to meet kinksters from other countries or cities.
I would recommend writing a clear and honest presentation and not using pictures you found online as your profile pictures.
In Fetlife you can also find professional mistresses, but most of them are amateurs.
LOOKING FOR PLAY PARTNERS IN MUNCHES AND EVENTS
“Rushing into any sort of wilderness is a Bad Idea. Take your time. Look over the landscape. Talk with the natives. Talk with lots of different natives.” Jay Wiseman
“Munch” is the slang term for gatherings of people into BDSM, where they get together to talk, generally in a bar or pub. Those spaces are not set up for BDSM play. If you still not ready to go to a BDSM club or dungeon, going to these meetings is a good opportunity to meet like minded people.
You can find updated info about your local munches on Fetlife, https://fetlife.com/groups/84780. If you want to find out about the ones in Barcelona, you can find them on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/1544894492445501/
BDSMK is an association based in Madrid created to give support to people with non conventional practices, offering them workshops and advice as well as fight to make BDSM more visible and recognized as part of sexual diversity.
They organize gatherings in “neutral” spaces where they give advice to anyone who may need it. Sometimes they organize workshops for novices too.
If you want to know about their next meetings, check their twitter and facebook page.
GOING TO A BDSM CLUB
A club can be a place where you can meet people to play with. Usually these club are soundproof and well equipped, and somehow, you can feel there more protected as you are playing in front of more people.
I would recommend you to go when they organize any kind of party or event that grab your attention. Don’t expect your search to be successful the very first time you go.
Going to a club doesn’t mean necessarily that you must play or prove anything, so just go, have a look at the club and have a drink.
Usually who run the club will love to show you round the club and offer their help to answer any question you may have.
Dresscode is different depending on the club: Sometimes it is easy (just wearing black clothes) and sometimes it is more complicated. It is a good idea to contact them and ask before going to the club.
SOME WAYS TO JOIN THE GAME
If you have already found somebody to play with, the next step for you is to negotiate what you are going to do together. Here you have some of my recommendations for the negotiation stage:
It is now you and your play partner’s turn to state your intentions and explain them in order.
For that, it would be good to draft a list of the kind of things you want to do, the kind of things you do not want to do, and those you might want to do. The things in your “maybe” list would be the kind of stuff you would like to try if you’re very excited, or you really trust the person you’re playing with, or maybe those you’re not really sure if you’re attracted to or not.
The idea is not to write a sort of “letter to kinky Santa” in which you demand that your dominant partner perform all that stuff you, but rather to see what kind of common ground there is with the person you want to play with.
This is also the right moment to discuss your health status, as well as allergies and physical limitations, or if you’re on any medication or have any phobias.
It would also be interesting that you showed each other your latest STI tests. If you haven’t been tested in the last 3-4 months, both of you should go get tested again and show the other person the results.
Depending on the type of activities you are going to carry out—and specially if your BDSM relationship starts to last—it shouldn’t be enough to say “I’m healthy” and the other person shouldn’t make you feel bad for requesting that they get tested.
Another thing that you can include in the negotiation is if you’re going to use safewords or other coded signs to make sure that the other is OK during the session, without stepping out of character.
I recommend clarifying everything before playing, because the dominated person is not in a position to negotiate during the session if they enter subspace* or is too excited.
As an example, here you have the questionnaires I use in my negotiations. You can use them and share them freely.
GENERAL SAFETY MEASURES
Given the type of games we’re going to play, and as BDSM is one of the most intense sexual practices there are, you shouldn’t economise in communication —you should make it as fluid as possible.
Establishing trust and connection with your play partner is one of the essential bases to make everything work. But mostly to protect your emotional safety, do communicate to the maximum extent of your abilities.
On the other hand, if you’re going to play with somebody you do not know, I recommend that you set up what is known as a “silent alarm”. To do this, tell somebody that you completely trust where you are going to be and for how long. Tell this person that you trust that you will send them a message at a certain point to confirm that everything went well. In this way, somebody will be aware that you might be at risk.
If you do not have anyone you can trust to protect you like this, as a bare minimum do not play in isolated places or allow yourself to be tied up during the first session.
Each activity has its own peculiarities and risks, and it isn’t only the dominant person’s responsibility to be aware of them. For example, when someone ties you up with rope, they should have safety shears and a torch (flashlight) at hand. So, if someone is going to practice shibari with you and you don’t see these elements around, you can politely ask and settle the matter (it is your right).
I recommend avoiding being under the influence of any drugs during the session, and having a mobile phone and torch (flashlight) always at hand.
Don’t wait until the last minute to use your safeword, as the dominant person may take a few minutes to free you if you get an intense feeling of panic or fear. On top of that, and depending on how bad you’re feeling, it will be harder later to repair any emotional damage.
Do not be afraid to be rejected if you use your safeword or set limits, and remember that a good submissive is not the one that can “endure” more. BDSM is not about enduring, it is about enjoying, exploring, feeling and learning.
In order to familiarise yourself with the safety basics of most practices, you can read these two books:
Las reglas del juego, by José Luis Carranco Vega
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman
You can also participate in workshops organised by clubs, join specific groups in BDSM portals, or consult experienced players, but remember that here, as in many other aspects of life, the things that some people consider safe vary greatly from one person to another.
After the session, try to exit the place you have played and leave your role behind (unless you’re playing 24/7). If you can exchange some words with your Dom or Mistress, that would be ideal, but do not draw conclusions just yet.
If you can, review the session a few days later, detailing the things you have liked most and least, which activities you would have liked to practice more, how you have felt and what would you like to change.
Also, remember that your first sessions might be incredible but can also go wrong if you lack practice or are nervous, so if the results aren’t exactly what you expected, consider it a learning or training experience that could take you to more interesting places.
Keep on exploring and learn to identify what you want and what you don’t with patience, accepting that sometimes there are questions that take long to be answered and paths or sensations that cannot be defined with precision.
And if you just don’t get it or do not enjoy it, take your time, reflect or speak to people that would like to listen to you or professionals that might help you untangle your doubts or fears.
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These are my recommendations for everyone that enters this fascinating world. I hope that it helps you enjoy it freely. Any suggestion or constructive criticism that you may have is welcome —here’s my email:
♥♥♥♥♥Thank you Nicole for your recommendations in editing this post, and thank you to all the people that cross my path for surprising me and teaching me new things. ♥♥♥♥♥
* About subspace: